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Correction/Scène de crime
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Message de jkim posté le 13-01-2016 à 19:28:22 (S | E | F)
Bonjour
je suis en première S , et notre professeur nous a demandé de rédiger un rapport concernant une scène de crime , bien sûr inventé .
J'aurais besoin d'une correction , je remercie d'avance ceux qui m'aideront !
J'aimerais savoir tout du moins , si l'histoire était compréhensible !
Detail of the event:
Saturday December 12th Linda SMITH were found dead inanimate in a small alley of the Bronx at 10PM. A jogger called the police after he saw the body. When the investigators get on the place, they noticed that the body displayed struggle marks on the body and they deduced that the victim fighted for her life. According to the state of the body, the murder took place between 7 and 8 o'clock.
The next day, the team decided to go at the work of Linda and learned she worked for the police of New York . Once they knew that, all the members of the police of New York had to pass an examination for a new promotion ,they have wanted to learn some things about Linda's near relation.
After all the testimonies of Linda's entourage, they learned that Linda had a relationship with Kevin the only guy of the team who likes seeing frequently girls. They know it because Sarah who is the computer scientist of the group is actually in a relationship with Kevin . Their relation started the last Sunday before to Linda's death . The Members of the police also asserted us that the boss of the police appreciated the good work of Kevin but he maintained bad relations with Sarah.
Those are all the clues that the police can use :
-The visit cards of the boss of the police with his fingerprints
-Kevin's messages in the phone of Linda , found in her hand . In the message , it was written that
he was in couple with Sarah.
-Foot prints of the shoes of Sarah
With all those clues we can include the boss of the team because he was the only person who posessed the visit card on his desk. But why would he took the risk to drop them if he knew that he would kill Linda. And when the officer dicided to interview him, the boss said he was at home with his wife and kids.
The FBI officer decided to clarifie the situation by making a list of things that could make every suspect guilty :
-Sarah : We found on the crime scene a scrunchie who belongs to her and foot prints of her service shoes. Just those two pieces of evidence makes the officer Churchill thinks that she's guilty whitout anuy doubt. But she claimings that at the time of the murder she was in night club with friends. That's true because her friends confirm that. She could kill Linda for Kevin, that would be a passionate murder
-Kevin : There is only one piece of evidence against him, with the argue found in Linda's phone and his past with her, we can suppose he could of kill her to live his love story with Sarah .
-The boss of the police : During the crime , he was with his family but we can't explain why we found his identity card next to the body with his fingerprints without finding other borrow .
One day detective Churchill heard a dicussion of the police boss who were thanking someone for his help into this situation, he also told him that once the survey end, he would have his monney.
After Having consulted security cameras with who he was talking . We learnt that he had a twin brother and nobody knew.
Next, he interrogate him and and he confesses his murder
Conclusion:The boss were secretly in love of Kevin and he were jealous of Sarah and Linda. The night of the crime he told his twin that nobody knows to go at his house and make like if he were him. Next he has been to the police station to take Sarah's shoes before to go at at the place of Linda's meeting . He killed her and left but he had dropped the visit card of the police station. His plan was to kill Linda and send Sarah to jail.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 13-01-2016 22:09
Message de jkim posté le 13-01-2016 à 19:28:22 (S | E | F)
Bonjour
je suis en première S , et notre professeur nous a demandé de rédiger un rapport concernant une scène de crime , bien sûr inventé .
J'aurais besoin d'une correction , je remercie d'avance ceux qui m'aideront !
J'aimerais savoir tout du moins , si l'histoire était compréhensible !
Detail of the event:
Saturday December 12th Linda SMITH were found dead inanimate in a small alley of the Bronx at 10PM. A jogger called the police after he saw the body. When the investigators get on the place, they noticed that the body displayed struggle marks on the body and they deduced that the victim fighted for her life. According to the state of the body, the murder took place between 7 and 8 o'clock.
The next day, the team decided to go at the work of Linda and learned she worked for the police of New York . Once they knew that, all the members of the police of New York had to pass an examination for a new promotion ,they have wanted to learn some things about Linda's near relation.
After all the testimonies of Linda's entourage, they learned that Linda had a relationship with Kevin the only guy of the team who likes seeing frequently girls. They know it because Sarah who is the computer scientist of the group is actually in a relationship with Kevin . Their relation started the last Sunday before to Linda's death . The Members of the police also asserted us that the boss of the police appreciated the good work of Kevin but he maintained bad relations with Sarah.
Those are all the clues that the police can use :
-The visit cards of the boss of the police with his fingerprints
-Kevin's messages in the phone of Linda , found in her hand . In the message , it was written that
he was in couple with Sarah.
-Foot prints of the shoes of Sarah
With all those clues we can include the boss of the team because he was the only person who posessed the visit card on his desk. But why would he took the risk to drop them if he knew that he would kill Linda. And when the officer dicided to interview him, the boss said he was at home with his wife and kids.
The FBI officer decided to clarifie the situation by making a list of things that could make every suspect guilty :
-Sarah : We found on the crime scene a scrunchie who belongs to her and foot prints of her service shoes. Just those two pieces of evidence makes the officer Churchill thinks that she's guilty whitout anuy doubt. But she claimings that at the time of the murder she was in night club with friends. That's true because her friends confirm that. She could kill Linda for Kevin, that would be a passionate murder
-Kevin : There is only one piece of evidence against him, with the argue found in Linda's phone and his past with her, we can suppose he could of kill her to live his love story with Sarah .
-The boss of the police : During the crime , he was with his family but we can't explain why we found his identity card next to the body with his fingerprints without finding other borrow .
One day detective Churchill heard a dicussion of the police boss who were thanking someone for his help into this situation, he also told him that once the survey end, he would have his monney.
After Having consulted security cameras with who he was talking . We learnt that he had a twin brother and nobody knew.
Next, he interrogate him and and he confesses his murder
Conclusion:The boss were secretly in love of Kevin and he were jealous of Sarah and Linda. The night of the crime he told his twin that nobody knows to go at his house and make like if he were him. Next he has been to the police station to take Sarah's shoes before to go at at the place of Linda's meeting . He killed her and left but he had dropped the visit card of the police station. His plan was to kill Linda and send Sarah to jail.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 13-01-2016 22:09
Réponse: Correction/Scène de crime de here4u, postée le 13-01-2016 à 23:23:40 (S | E)
Hello !
Detail of the event:
Saturday December 12th Linda SMITH were (pourquoi cepluriel?)found dead inanimate in a small alley of the Bronx at 10PM. A jogger called the police after he saw the body. When the investigators get (temps!) on the place, they noticed that the body displayed struggle marks on the body and they deduced that the victim fightedARGHHHHHHH !!!
for her life. According to the state of the body, the murder took (temps!)place between 7 and 8 o'clock.The next day, the team decided to go at the work of Linda (particulefausse + génitif) and learned she worked for the police of New York . Once they knew that, all the members of the police of New York had to pass an examination for a new promotion
,they have wanted to learn some things about Linda's near relation.(not sure I understand!)After all the testimonies of Linda's entourage, they learned that Linda had a relationship with Kevin the only guy of the team who likes seeing frequently girls.(A revoir!) They know it because Sarah who is the computer scientist of the group is actually in a relationship with Kevin . Their relation started the last Sunday before to Linda's death . The Members of the police also asserted us that the boss of the police appreciated the good work of Kevin but he maintained bad relations with Sarah.
Those are all the clues that the police can use :
-The visit cards of the boss of the police with his fingerprints
-Kevin's messages in the phone of Linda , found in her hand . In the message , it was written that
he was in couple with Sarah.
-Foot prints of the shoes of Sarah
With all those clues we can include the boss of the team because he was the only person who posessed the visit card on his desk. But why would he took
the risk to drop them if he knew that he would kill Linda. And when the officer dicided to interview him, the boss said he was at home with his wife and kids. The FBI officer decided to clarifie the situation by making a list of things that could make every suspect guilty :
-Sarah : We found on the crime scene a scrunchie who ARGHHHHH... (ordre des mots +pronom relatif!) belongs to her and foot prints of her service shoes. Just those two pieces of evidence makes the officer Churchill thinks that she's guilty whitout anuy doubt. But she claimings that at the time of the murder she was in X night club with friends. That's true because her friends confirm that. She could kill Linda for Kevin
, that would be a passionate murder(voc!)-Kevin : There is only one piece of evidence against him, with the argue found in Linda's phone and his past with her, we can suppose he could of kill her to live his love story with Sarah .
-The boss of the police : During the crime , he was with his family but we can't explain why we found his identity card passif nécessaire!) next to the body with his fingerprints without finding other borrow .
doesn't make sense!)One day detective Churchill heard a dicussion of the police boss who were thanking someone for his help into this situation, he also told him that once the survey end, he would have his monney.
After Having consulted security cameras with who he was talking . We learnt that he had a twin brother and nobody knew.
Next, he interrogate him and and he confesses his murder
Conclusion:The boss were secretly in love of Kevin and he were jealous of Sarah and Linda. The night of the crime he told his twin that nobody knows to go at his house and make like if he were him. Next he has been to the police station to take Sarah's shoes before to go at at the place of Linda's meeting . He killed her and left but he had dropped the visit card of the police station. His plan was to kill Linda and send Sarah to jail.
Au travail !
je ne suis pas certaine d'avoir tout corrigé car je n'ai pas tout compris ... Sorry! 
Réponse: Correction/Scène de crime de jkim, postée le 15-01-2016 à 01:24:48 (S | E)
Bonjour , merci de m'avoir corrigé !
Detail of the event:
Saturday December 12th Linda SMITH was found dead inanimate in a small alley of the Bronx at 10PM. A jogger called the police after he saw the body. When the investigators got on the place, they noticed that the body displays struggle marks on the body and they deduced that the victim fighting for her life. According to the state of the body, the murder has taken place between 7 and 8 o'clock.
The next day, the team decided to go to the workplace of Linda and learned she worked for the police of New York .
Once they knew that, all the members of the police of New York had to pass an examination for a new promotion, they have wanted to learn some things about Linda's near relation. (= Je veux dire " Apres avoir su que tous les membres de la police de New York devait passer son examen pour devenir policier , ils ont cherchés à en savoir plus sur les amis proches de Linda")
After all the testimonies of Linda's entourages, they learned that Linda had a relationship with Kevin the only guy of the team who likes frequently seeing girls.They knew it because Sarah who was the computer scientist of the group was actually in a relationship with Kevin . Their relation started last Sunday before Linda's death . The Members of the police also asserting us that the boss of the police had the good work of Kevin but he maintained bad relations with Sarah.
Those are all the clues that the police can use :
-The Business Card of the boss of the police with his fingerprints
-Kevin's messages in the Linda's phone , found in her hand . In the message , it was written that he is in couple with Sarah.
-Footprints of the shoes of Sarah
With all those clues we can include the boss of the team because he was the only person who posessed the Business Card on his desk. But why would he has taken the risk to make them if he knew that he would kill Linda. And when the officer dicided to interview him, the boss said he was at home with his wife and kids.
The FBI officer decided to clarify the situation by making a list of things that could make every suspect guilty :
-Sarah : We found a scrunchie on the scene of the crime which belongs to her and footprints of her service shoes. Just those two pieces of evidence has made the officer Churchill thinks that she's guilty without any doubt. But she has claiming hat at the time of the murder she was in the night club with friends. That's true because her friends confirm that. She could kill Linda for Kevin, that would be a passionel crime.
Kevin : There is only one piece of evidence against him, with the argue found in Linda's phone and his past with her, we can suppose he could of kill her to live his love story with Sarah .
-The Police Boss : During the crime , he was with his family but we can't explain why we was found his identity card next to the body with his fingerprints without finding other borrow
One day detective Churchill heard a dicussion of the police boss who were thanking someone for his help into this situation, he also told him that once the survey end, he would have his monney.
After Having consulted security cameras with who he was talking . We learnt that he had a twin brother and nobody knew.
Next, he has interrogated him and and he has confessed his murder.
Conclusion:The boss was secretly in love with Kevin and he was jealous of Sarah and Linda. The night of the crime he told his twin that nobody knows to go to his house and make like if he were him. Next he has been to the police station to take Sarah's shoes before to go at at the place of Linda's meeting . He killed her and left but he had dropped the visit card of the police station. His plan was to kill Linda and send Sarah to jail.
Next he gone to the police station to take Sarah's shoes before to go at the place of Linda's meeting . He killed her and left but he had dropped the Business Card of the police station. His plan was to kill Linda and send Sarah to jail.
Je n'ai pas compris pourquoi vous avez souligné en noir certaines phrases , et je n'ai pas pu tout corriger !
Pour la compréhension du texte , j'essayerai de vous détailler cela rapidement
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Modifié par lucile83 le 15-01-2016 07:21
Réponse: Correction/Scène de crime de here4u, postée le 15-01-2016 à 16:38:50 (S | E)
Hello !
I'll do half for now...
What is underlined is clumsy...
Detail of the event:
Saturday December 12th Linda SMITH was found dead inanimate in a small alley of the Bronx at 10PM. A jogger called the police after he saw(after + ???) the body. When the investigators got on the place, they noticed that the body displays(le temps était bon ...mais le voc ne convient pas ici ... il n'y a pas "d'étalage") struggle marks(defensive wounds?) on the body(beaucoup trop de répétitions de "body" dans la phrase !) and they deduced that the victim XXX XXXX fighting for her life. According to the state of the body, the murder has taken place between 7 and 8 o'clock.
The next day, the team decided to go to the workplace of Linda(un génitif ici!) and learned she worked for the police of New York (NYPD !
).Once they knew that, all the members of the police of New York had to pass (= réussir!) an examination for a new promotion,
they have wanted to learn (voc)
je ne comprends pas, non plus, la traduction ! After all the testimonies of Linda's entourages, they learned that Linda had a relationship with Kevin the only guy of the team who likes frequently seeing girls.They knew it because Sarah who was the computer scientist of the group was actually in a relationship with Kevin . Their relationXXXX started last Sunday before Linda's death . The Members of the police also asserting
us that the boss of the police had the good work of Kevin but he maintained bad relations with Sarah.(I don't understand either...)Those are all the clues that the police can use :
-The Business Card of the boss of the police with his fingerprints
-Kevin's messages in the Linda's phone , found in her hand . In the message , it was written that he is inwas a couple with Sarah.
-Footprints of the shoes of Sarah (encore un génitif!)
With all those clues we can include the boss of the team because he was the only person who posessed the Business Card on his desk. But why would he has taken the risk to make them
if he knew that he would kill Linda. And when the officer dicided to interview him, the boss said he was at home with his wife and kids. Réponse: Correction/Scène de crime de jkim, postée le 20-01-2016 à 00:49:29 (S | E)
Hello
Sorry to answer so late !
Detail of the event:
Saturday December 12th Linda SMITH was found dead inanimate in a small alley of the Bronx at 10PM. A jogger called the police after he seing ( after + ing )the body. When the investigators arrived on the scene on the crime ( sur le lieu du crime ) , they noticed that the body presented ( présentait ) throttle traces ( trace d'étranglement ) and they deduced that the victim that the victim fighting for her life. According to the state of the body, the murder had taken place between 7 and 8 o'clock.
The next day, the team decided to go to Linda's workplace and learned she worked for New York City Police Department
They had wanted to search (voc) more about Linda's near relation. close friends
After all the testimonies of Linda's entourage, they learned that Linda had a relationship with Kevin the only guy of the team who often like to patronize girls ( qui aime fréquenter des filles ).They knew it because Sarah who was the computer scientist of the group was actually in a relationship with Kevin . Their relationship started Sunday before Linda's death . The Members of the police also noticed( ont remarqués ) us that the boss of the police had the good work of Kevin but he maintained bad relations with Sarah.(Ils ont remarqués que le chef de la police aimait le travail de Kevin mais qu'il avait de mauvaises relations avec Sarah )
Those are all the clues that the police can use :
-the boss of the police's cards ( la carte de visite du chef de police )
-Kevin's messages in Linda's phone , found in her hand . In the message , it was written that he was a couple with Sarah.
-Footprints of the sarah's shoes
With all those clues we can include the boss of the team because he was the only person who posesses the Business Card on his desk. But why would he had taken the risk to make his ( pourquoi il a prit le risque de faire sa ) if he knew that he would kill Linda. And when the officer decided to interview him, the boss said he was at home with his wife and kids.
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