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Correction/cow milk
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Message de zephisky posté le 29-09-2014 à 17:00:29 (S | E | F)
Bonjour tout le monde !
J'ai une rédaction niveau 2ème année de Master à rendre pour lundi prochain (le 6 octobre). Le sujet est le suivant : "synthetize all the information you have on the issue of cow milk-related diseases and analyze the data to issue clear guidelines".
J'ai écrit un premier jet (voir plus bas). J'aimerais avoir vos corrections (évidemment) mais également votre avis général (trop/pas assez ceci, phrase inutile ou pas claire, redondances, ...), enfin bref, tout ce qui peut rendre ma production mieux qu'elle ne l'est... Merci d'avance !
"Further to our telephone conversation about citizen pressure on the European Commission about cow milk consumtion, I undertook some researches to illuminate the controversial issues.
It’s necessary to remind the major benefits of cow milk. In fact, it’s a great input of several essential elements, like proteins, water, carbohydrates, lipids and minerals, especially calcium. This final component is the major one, because calcium is more bioavailable in animal milks than in green drinks, and it’s absolutely necessary for bone development, consolidation and maintenance. In adults, cow milk can also reduce fracture and osteoporosis risks. However, if cow milk’s benefits have been widely demonstrated for children, controversies are more fueled when it is about infants and adults. Indeed, children’s needs are different from adults’.
The major issue is the expansion of several diseases like Crohn’s disease, a chronic inflammatory disorder of the gastrointestinal tract caused by a bacteria, lactose intolerance, which mainly reach southern populations and Asian, and allergies to lactose or casein, which commonly hit infants and children.
Another problem is the breaking of several scandals, like the one in New York, in the 1850s, about swill milk, and the one in Eastern Europ, where milk was contaminated with a mycotoxin from grain used to feed cows. In fact, these mycotoxins, highly resistant to temperature and immune system, are secreted by fungi growing on grains.
Nevertheless, in despite of these questions, cow milk obviously can’t be forbidden. That’s why I detail te next advices :
* Because of the risk of contamination by several molecules like mycotoxins and by some bacterias, I suggest to reinforce the surveillance with more systematic controls of milk contents in contaminants and to add the analysis of bacterial populations in cow milk directly in farms. Without eradicate the contamination issue, it can restrain the occurrence of phenomens like Crohn’s disease and intoxications.
*For infants, it’s crucial to encourage the mothers to breast-feed them instead of give them infantil milk. In fact, mother’s milk contains some essentials elements, notably antibodies, white blood cells and growth factors, that can prevent some diseases like infection in children and cancers in mothers. Of course, it is not practical for mothers with HIV or others diseases transmissible in milk. But it needs some measures to avoid drifts and health risks. I purpose you four ways to supervise this habit :
- It could be encouraging for young mothers if they receive some repayments for milk analysis. It can also prevent the risk of transmission of diseases and chemicals from the mother to the baby.
- Grants could be a way to make this lifestyle easier and make it compatible with professional life. For example, mothers will be able to buy breast pumps with this money, or others equipments.
- It would be important to teach them the basic rules of good preservation of breast milk.
-Exchanges of breast milks could be authorized with a strict control, to avoid contaminations risks.
*It’s important to encourage children and teenagers to consume milk for their bone development. It’s also important for adults, but some advices have to be provided, like the doses to not exceed, promote the different types of milks, like goat milk, ewe milk or green drinks.
*Some furthers could be ventured to the common ads visible on the television about the necessity of three dairy products per day. For example, promote again the need to vary the origin of milks (animal or green, pasteurized or not, with or without lactose), avoiding to overconsume each sort of milk. A local consumption is also a way to be sure that people drink a good milk.
*Measures have to be adopted to bring the citizens to pay attention to their dietary balance with posters. Replace ads about Givenchy’s scents with ads promoting health can’t have a bad influence.
Of course, they are just recommandations. I don’t think that the legislator can prohibit milk consumption, but it’s important to limit the risks for the consumer, what ever his age, origin or gender. And this last point is crucial, because of the physiological modi during the life and state’s changes (pregnancy, diseases…). Advices have to be adapted to these different criterions.
If you need further details, please don’t hesitate to transmit them to me."
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-09-2014 19:03
Message de zephisky posté le 29-09-2014 à 17:00:29 (S | E | F)
Bonjour tout le monde !
J'ai une rédaction niveau 2ème année de Master à rendre pour lundi prochain (le 6 octobre). Le sujet est le suivant : "synthetize all the information you have on the issue of cow milk-related diseases and analyze the data to issue clear guidelines".
J'ai écrit un premier jet (voir plus bas). J'aimerais avoir vos corrections (évidemment) mais également votre avis général (trop/pas assez ceci, phrase inutile ou pas claire, redondances, ...), enfin bref, tout ce qui peut rendre ma production mieux qu'elle ne l'est... Merci d'avance !
"Further to our telephone conversation about citizen pressure on the European Commission about cow milk consumtion, I undertook some researches to illuminate the controversial issues.
It’s necessary to remind the major benefits of cow milk. In fact, it’s a great input of several essential elements, like proteins, water, carbohydrates, lipids and minerals, especially calcium. This final component is the major one, because calcium is more bioavailable in animal milks than in green drinks, and it’s absolutely necessary for bone development, consolidation and maintenance. In adults, cow milk can also reduce fracture and osteoporosis risks. However, if cow milk’s benefits have been widely demonstrated for children, controversies are more fueled when it is about infants and adults. Indeed, children’s needs are different from adults’.
The major issue is the expansion of several diseases like Crohn’s disease, a chronic inflammatory disorder of the gastrointestinal tract caused by a bacteria, lactose intolerance, which mainly reach southern populations and Asian, and allergies to lactose or casein, which commonly hit infants and children.
Another problem is the breaking of several scandals, like the one in New York, in the 1850s, about swill milk, and the one in Eastern Europ, where milk was contaminated with a mycotoxin from grain used to feed cows. In fact, these mycotoxins, highly resistant to temperature and immune system, are secreted by fungi growing on grains.
Nevertheless, in despite of these questions, cow milk obviously can’t be forbidden. That’s why I detail te next advices :
* Because of the risk of contamination by several molecules like mycotoxins and by some bacterias, I suggest to reinforce the surveillance with more systematic controls of milk contents in contaminants and to add the analysis of bacterial populations in cow milk directly in farms. Without eradicate the contamination issue, it can restrain the occurrence of phenomens like Crohn’s disease and intoxications.
*For infants, it’s crucial to encourage the mothers to breast-feed them instead of give them infantil milk. In fact, mother’s milk contains some essentials elements, notably antibodies, white blood cells and growth factors, that can prevent some diseases like infection in children and cancers in mothers. Of course, it is not practical for mothers with HIV or others diseases transmissible in milk. But it needs some measures to avoid drifts and health risks. I purpose you four ways to supervise this habit :
- It could be encouraging for young mothers if they receive some repayments for milk analysis. It can also prevent the risk of transmission of diseases and chemicals from the mother to the baby.
- Grants could be a way to make this lifestyle easier and make it compatible with professional life. For example, mothers will be able to buy breast pumps with this money, or others equipments.
- It would be important to teach them the basic rules of good preservation of breast milk.
-Exchanges of breast milks could be authorized with a strict control, to avoid contaminations risks.
*It’s important to encourage children and teenagers to consume milk for their bone development. It’s also important for adults, but some advices have to be provided, like the doses to not exceed, promote the different types of milks, like goat milk, ewe milk or green drinks.
*Some furthers could be ventured to the common ads visible on the television about the necessity of three dairy products per day. For example, promote again the need to vary the origin of milks (animal or green, pasteurized or not, with or without lactose), avoiding to overconsume each sort of milk. A local consumption is also a way to be sure that people drink a good milk.
*Measures have to be adopted to bring the citizens to pay attention to their dietary balance with posters. Replace ads about Givenchy’s scents with ads promoting health can’t have a bad influence.
Of course, they are just recommandations. I don’t think that the legislator can prohibit milk consumption, but it’s important to limit the risks for the consumer, what ever his age, origin or gender. And this last point is crucial, because of the physiological modi during the life and state’s changes (pregnancy, diseases…). Advices have to be adapted to these different criterions.
If you need further details, please don’t hesitate to transmit them to me."
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-09-2014 19:03
Réponse: Correction/cow milk de here4u, postée le 29-09-2014 à 20:57:43 (S | E)
Hello
Second try ... I had started and our Master's terrible machine swallowed my work again ...
Well ! As I was telling you, your work is extreeeeemely long, and I'm just going to start (again !
) for now, hoping someone else will take over ... If not, I'll go on when I can ..."Further to our telephone conversation about citizen pressure on the European Commission about cow milk consumtion(sp.), I undertook some researches(boff...) to illuminate(clarify ?) the controversial issues.
It’s necessary to remind the major benefits of cow milk. In fact, it’s a great input of several essential elements, like proteins, water, carbohydrates, lipids and minerals, especially calcium. This final component is the major one, because calcium is more bioavailable in animal milks than in green drinks(??), and it’s absolutely necessary for XX bone development, consolidation and maintenance (clumsy). In adults, cow milk can also reduce fracture and osteoporosis risks.clumsy too. However, if cow milk’s benefits(beurk!) have been widely demonstrated for children, controversies are more fueled when it??? is about infants and adults. Indeed, children’s needs are different from adults’.
The major issue is the expansion of several diseases like Crohn’s disease, a chronic inflammatory disorder of the gastrointestinal tract caused by a bacteria, lactose intolerance, which mainly reach southern populations and Asian, and allergies to lactose or casein, which commonly hit infants and children.
Another problem is the breaking of several scandals, like the one in New York, in the 1850s, about swill milk, and the one in Eastern Europ, where milk was contaminated with a mycotoxin from grain used to feed cows. In fact, these mycotoxins, highly resistant to temperature and immune system, are secreted by fungi growing on grains(? depending on the grain you're dealing with ...).
Nevertheless, in despite of these questions, cow milk obviously can’t be forbidden. That’s why I detail
te next(following) advices :* Because of the risk of contamination by several molecules like mycotoxins and by some bacterias(bacteria is a plural !), I suggest to reinforce the surveillance with more systematic controls of milk contents
in contaminants and to add the analysis of bacterial populations in cow milk directly in farms. Without eradicate the contamination issue, it can restrain the occurrence of phenomens(= Gree too!) like Crohn’s disease and intoxications.*For infants, it’s crucial to encourage the mothers to breast-feed them instead of give them infantil(formula) milk. In fact, XXX mother’s milk contains some essentials elements, notably antibodies, white blood cells and growth factors, that can prevent some diseases like infection (??)in children and cancers in mothers. Of course, it is not practical for mothers with HIV or others diseases transmissible in milk. But it needs some measures to avoid drifts and health risks. I purpose you four ways to supervise this habit :
- It could be encouraging for young mothers if they receive some repayments for milk analysis. It can also prevent the risk of transmission of diseases and chemicals from the mother to the baby.
- Grants could be a way to make this lifestyle easier and make it compatible with professional life. For example, mothers will be able to buy breast pumps with this money, or others equipments.
Several points are not clear ... You're not introducing the subject and are starting 'in media res' without giving information about the countries concerned, or the ones you're addressing, the status of the Mothers ... This 'detail' changes the whole problem ...
Bon courage !
Réponse: Correction/cow milk de hushpuppy, postée le 29-09-2014 à 21:58:06 (S | E)
Hi,
Ok I'll finish it, if you feel lost, don't hesitate to ask questions!
- It would be(present) important to teach them the basic rules of good preservation of breast milk.
-Exchanges of breast milks(most liquids are already plural, no need to add "s") could be authorized with a strict control("a control" doesn't exist), to avoid contaminations(adjectives are never plural) risks.
*It’s important to encourage children and teenagers to consume milk for their bone development. It’s also important for adults, but some advices have to be provided, like the doses to not exceed, promote the different types of milks, like goat milk, ewe milk or green drinks.(to be redone completely)
*Some furthers?? could be ventured(choose another word) to the common ads visible on the television about the necessity of three dairy products per day. For example, promote again the need to vary the origin of milks (animal or green, pasteurized or not, with or without lactose), avoiding to overconsume(rephrase) each sort of milk. A local consumption(choose another word) is also a way to be sure that people drink a(never put an article with an indefinite plural) good milk.
*Measures have to be adopted to bring(choose another word) the citizens(see comment in last paragraph) to pay attention("pay attention" as an action does not need a preposition) to their dietary balance with posters. Replace(needs to be reconjugated if followed by-->) ads about Givenchy’s scents with ads promoting health can’t have a bad influence.
Of course, they(not people, choose another word) are just recommandations(orthographe). I don’t think that the legislator can prohibit milk consumption, but it’s important to limit the risks for the consumer, what ever his age, origin or gender. And this last point is crucial, because of the physiological modi?? during the life and state’s(needs an article definite) changes (pregnancy, diseases…). Advices(choose another word) have to be adapted to these different criterions(use the plural and not an "s").
If you need further details, please don’t hesitate to transmit(choose another word) them to me."
En anglais, il n'existe pas de nombreux "s"s comme en français. En plus, on utilise beaucoup de mots qui sont pareils au singulier et au pluriel. Il faut
Bonne continuation
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-09-2014 22:23
Réponse: Correction/cow milk de zephisky, postée le 30-09-2014 à 18:36:07 (S | E)
Bonjour !
Merci pour vos corrections... J'avoue que pour certaines choses je suis un peu perdue (par exemple, les "s"
, mais aussi les contextes dans lesquels on peut utiliser certains mots...). Si autre chose vous vient à l'esprit, n'hésitez pas...Pour le manque d'introduction de mon sujet, c'est tout à fait normal. A la base il s'agit d'une lettre avec le destinataire écrit en haut, l'objet, etc. Je manquais de place pour tout poster alors j'ai coupé un petit peu
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